


Dear Name

by LilacTree_928



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Slice of Life, Suicide Attempt, implied Parallel Universes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:14:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27438643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilacTree_928/pseuds/LilacTree_928
Summary: Renjun receives strange letters from someone saying that he's his future self and that he must save the transfer student named Lee Jeno or he'll face the biggest regret of his life.The thing is, Renjun's not really great at making decisions and he's even worse with feelings.Prompt: #00034
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Liu Yang Yang, Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 18
Kudos: 94
Collections: '00 FIC FEST ROUND TWO





	Dear Name

**Author's Note:**

> So before I begin, I just want to say that though this is inspired by Ichigo Takano's manga, 'Orange,' the inspiration is very loose. So for those that have read the manga and wants to find correlations, I'm so sorry but there's barely any. 😭 So please enter with an open mind, a clear perspective, and I hope you all enjoy. 🥺

Looking up at the sky, he smiled cheerfully and pointedly ignoring the weird stares he’s receiving as he basks in his surroundings. There’s nothing special really, it’s just, it’s the beginning of the term and the sky is undeniably clear after that terrible storm which just hit them last week. So it is understandable that Renjun feels absolutely wonderful even if he’s going to school, it’s terribly early to be this happy, and it’s a Monday.

The fact was harshly pointed out by Donghyuck once Renjun settled on his table, the former barely keeping his eyes open and Renjun’s enthusiasm is a sight for sore eyes. “I hate how you’re always enthusiastic in the morning, especially on Mondays, when school is nothing but a hell on earth disguised as an institution which fosters learning.” Renjun rolled his eyes as he gave Donghyuck his strawberry milk. “Thanks for this Jun.” He plopped back again on his chair, obviously still not ready to start his day.

“Ugh, how can you even drink that abomination?” Renjun laughed as he turned around and saw Jaemin’s scrunched face as he looked at the strawberry milk that Donghyuck is clutching while buried in his arms, probably already asleep. “You’re the only one who doesn’t have any taste buds Nana. Strawberry milk is actually very delicious.” Yangyang chided, taking his own strawberry milk from Renjun’s stash and sticking his tongue out as he sat down beside Donghyuck.

“Thanks Yang, I know I could trust you.” Donghyuck mumbled incoherently. “Nana’s opinion is valid though, artificial strawberry flavor can be a bit icky.” Mark supplied as he entered the still deserted classroom, wrapping his arms around Jaemin as Renjun chuckled and handed the two of them their banana milks. “Now, now, milk is delicious despite its flavor, no need to fight over it.” Renjun chided them kindly, proceeding to drink his plain milk with the straw.

The door suddenly opened with a loud bang, making them flinch, serve for Donghyuck who’s now deep into his slumber, as they looked at it and they weren’t surprised to see Chen Le dragging a half asleep Jisung into the classroom. “Come on Park! Lift yourself up! Your desk is less than ten meters away!” Chen Le shrieked as Jisung seemed to topple over had it not for Jaemin running over and helping Chen Le.

Mark and Renjun exchanged amused looks before moving to the side as Jaemin and Chen Le dropped Jisung’s now sleeping being in front of Donghyuck. Yangyang nudged him with his foot but Jisung did not even flinch. “Why is he dead like a fish Lele?” Renjun asked, his eyebrows furrowed as he gave Chen Le his and Jisung’s chocolate milks. 

Poking his milk with the straw and drinking from it, Chen Le rolled his eyes as he nudged Jisung’s feet with his quite harshly. “Why wouldn’t he, I clearly told him that we should head home by ten but he just had to play by the playground swings before going home for two hours. Mom almost killed me when I arrived home.” He plopped on his chair beside Jisung, in front of Yangyang, and also beside the windows. 

Mark finally set down his and Jaemin’s bags on the seats perpendicular to Chen Le and Jisung’s seats, in front of Renjun’s and took out his workbook, deciding to utilize the remaining time they have before homeroom. Renjun was about to follow suit when he was halted by Jaemin’s warm hand on his arm. Tilting his head to the right, his friend chuckled before taking something out of his pocket. It was a chocopie, his favorite. Brightening, Renjun jumped and embraced Jaemin. A silent thanks.

Renjun just knows that everything is going to turn out great.

  
  
  


There was a constant grey shadow engulfing the world, it seemed. Fast paced city life, overdrive city stars, and empty city skylines. _Normal,_ one would assume, _exhausting,_ for some, but a harsh reality for all. For amidst the bright lights, the loud honking, and the cheery chattering, lies beneath weary souls. These poor, regretful souls who are trying to drown the emptiness and void in their hearts with the aid of sensory overload. 

For there’s nothing more painful and dangerous than to drown in your thoughts alone in the confines of your prison.

This is a dangerous venture, being alone. However, he has always been alone. After sending both his children off to school and his husband off to his work, there’s nothing left to do after washing the dirty dishes on the sink, no more laundry to chuck into the washing machine, not much furniture to dust and arrange. The deafening silence is his only companion and this only intensifies the screaming of the gaping hole in his soul.

It’s not the solitude that’s torturing him, it never has. Solitude is a millennium old friend, a friend from a thousand of previous lifetimes, no, it never will torture him. It’s the loneliness that keeps on prodding at his insides, twisting and churning it as it pleases and willing him to succumb to nausea. It’s the loneliness that regret and longing has brought forth that taunts at him, stomps at him, and reduces him into nothing but a bag of tears to be tossed around and mocked.

He can’t breathe.

Standing up from the couch, he transferred himself into the veranda overlooking the city-scape. It’s a long mile away from the lush greenery, from the clear rivers and lakes, and it’s a long distance away from the bright sun of his youth.

Finally relenting to the screaming of his senses, he retracted from the present and decided to be drowned by the guilt brought upon childish idiocy and fantasies. 

Taking a last sweep of his life, a glowing light took hold of his attention.

  
  
  


Blinking hard, Renjun jutted his lip out and scrunched his face as he twisted and turned the strange paper that’s sitting prettily on the top of his desk. Well, not exactly pretty since he can make out the tear tracks that have smudged part of the ink, but it’s still a strange paper afterall.

There was some glitter seemingly playing around it, trying to catch his attention and beckon him upon its calling. Renjun doesn’t see anything wrong with heeding its pull. Tying his overgrown hair in a small bun, he stood from his bed and sat in front of his study table and placed down the paper gingerly.

There was no return address, no stamp, it almost looks unassuming if it weren’t for the strange mystical and magical quality it possesses. Well it would’ve ended on the trash can if it weren’t for the pretty calligraphy of his name on the envelope. 

With his brows furrowed, Renjun narrowed his eyes and grimaced a little out of habit as he opened the envelope. Looking impassive, he blinked thrice before turning it and unfolding it to read its contents.

His emotional state and expressions went into varying stages of shock before he settled on something more somber as he reached the middle of the note.

‘ _What kind of prank is this? What kind of intricate plan is this?_ ’ Was what he kept thinking as he twisted and turned the cursed paper in his hands and scanned it again and again after reading it the first time.

He wants to get out of his room and ask his parents about this mysterious paper but something inside him is stopping him from doing the most logical thing to do. Instead, he moved from his study chair and plopped on his bed again, silently observing and trying to decipher the words that’s written shakily on the paper.

_‘I don’t know if this will truly arrive at the hands of my 16-year-old self but I still want to try my luck.’_

Renjun shuddered as realization dawned on him that he is in fact, sixteen years old right now that he’s reading this heartbreaking letter.

‘ _For you that is young and for you that is dumb,_ ’

Renjun huffed, haughtily thinking that he may not be the smartest in their batch but he’s still quite up there in the academic ladder. Rolling his eyes, he proceeded his little mental analysis of the text.

‘ _Do not repeat the biggest mistake of my life._ ’

Sitting back up, Renjun squinted his eyes at the text, thinking what could possibly be considered as such when he has barely lived his life and barely experienced its wonders and tragedies?

‘ _Please take care of Jeno for me. Please don’t lose him again._ ’

Renjun scrunched his nose, trying to rack his brains if he knew of any Jeno in his life. Obviously, he doesn’t so he just looked at the name with expressive confusion and finished his little textual analysis with the last few lines.

‘ _Please don’t let him go, please don’t be stupid and reckless again young me._

_Please keep Lee Jeno safe this time around._

_Sincerely pleading from the future,_

_Huang Renjun, age 26_ ’

“This is absolutely such a waste of time.” Renjun rolled his eyes as he threw the paper beside him, only to scramble and take it again, staring intently at the signature below the closing remarks.

By this time, he’s already biting his lips anxiously. Where he’s quite amused of the strange paper from earlier, he’s now quite perturbed by it. He knows that signature, fuck, of course he does! It’s literally his! Just a bit more refined and a bit more smoother than he usually does it but he knows that signature!

A scream was threatening to rip from his throat when he caught himself last minute. Just when he was about to panic, he realized belatedly that he doesn’t know of any ‘ _Lee Jeno_ ’ so just who on earth should he be panicking about.

Finally letting out a relieved sigh, Renjun giggled and threw the letter on top of his table. It’s nothing more than a mysterious piece of paper. He’d think about it tomorrow.

  
  
  


Well, his plans of leaving that strange letter for today was absolutely right. He felt himself freeze and turn rigid as the transfer student introduced himself. Smiling painfully, Renjun laughed and cried inside his head as he punched, kicked, and wailed at the metaphorical walls in his head. Outside, he’s looking very much the same though quite constipated at worst.

When he said that he knows nobody named ‘ _Lee Jeno,_ ’ he was saying it as it is. He was not trying to challenge the universe or anything for goodness’ sake! So why on earth is one introducing himself with that exact same name in front of their class?! Renjun despairs as he regretted terribly his smug mood from earlier when he woke up and went to school. Discreetly looking up, Renjun glared at the universe.

“Are you alright Junnie? You look terrible, your eyes are twitching.” Jaemin whispered from in front of him. Renjun thought that he probably caught sight of his strange being in the middle of their teacher’s rambling about being kind to and looking out for the new transfer student from Seoul.

Despite feeling otherwise, Renjun just faked a gleam and tried to ease his friend’s worry which did not last for long as his heart dropped in his stomach again as such an ominous sign descended upon him. Mrs. Jo called his name.

“Huang Renjun?” Such an ominous sign! Renjun gritted his teeth before schooling his expression into one of serenity as he raised a hand and met gazes with that new student. Renjun felt his breath hitch, _again_ , but he quickly gathered himself only to lose composure again when he realized why he was called out by their teacher amongst a number of students.

Mentally, he’s going ballistic, throwing and smashing metaphorical items. However, physically, he’s schooling nothing more than his usual smile. Jaemin seemed to be even more worried seeing the quick shifts in his expressions before settling on something usual. That’s causing even more complicated feelings for him that’s watching. Renjun saw him nudge Mark in his periphery.

The new guy sat beside him silently amidst his internal crisis and now that he’s sitting prettily beside Renjun, Renjun slowly eased out of his panic room and observed the obviously bashful boy beside him. Renjun felt pity.

However, before he was about to reach out to the new guy, a weird glowing from his bag caught his eye. Ha! Another darned letter it seemed. Sighing, Renjun relented and swiftly swiped another strange paper from his bag before excusing himself. He caught sight of the strange look that the transfer student gave him but it quickly escaped his mind as soon as it came as a strange vibration came from the letter that’s hidden in the pocket of his hoodie.

Renjun sprinted.

Ten seconds later, he found himself inside a bathroom stall, sitting on the bowl and raising an eyebrow at the sparkling letter. He clicked his tongue but proceeded on opening it anyway.

He blinked confusedly at it but felt pity for whoever wrote it anyway.

He then chuckled when it dawned on him that it’s his twenty-six years old self that’s sending him letters.

‘ _Dear 16-year-old me,_

_I don’t know if my previous letter has reached you well but since it has long disappeared in this world, maybe, just maybe, there’s a good chance that you’ve read it._

_I don’t want to make this long and just tell you that please don’t ask Jeno to hang out after class._

_Don’t be an idiot Renjun-ah, just this once._ ’

Renjun snorted and scoffed as he read that. Sure, he’s not the smartest of his batch but he’s still quite up there, alright?! Why is this person treating him like some idiot, every single letter? Brushing it off, Renjun rolled his eyes before standing up and deciding to leave.

If the letter is urging him to do things right with that Lee Jeno, then he figures that it’s better to not associate with the new flesh at all. Renjun snickered, thinking himself smart and wise for the _solution_ he had conjured with.

He was midway through snorting when he bumped into someone on the way out of the bathroom, causing him to stumble back and hit his back on the cursed knob. Renjun yelped and winced, rubbing the painful part and ready to strike at the idiot who caused him to stumble only to pause and blink seeing that it’s the new boy.

“I’m so sorry! I wasn’t looking at where I was going.” The new boy, Lee Jeno, hung his head in embarrassment and Renjun saw him bite his lips anxiously. Sighing, Renjun continued on rubbing his lumbar while his other hand had subconsciously raised itself to pat Lee Jeno’s shoulder in an attempt to console him.

Trying to shrug as best as he could Renjun pulled back his hand. “It’s fine, I wasn’t looking where I was going as well.” He smiled gently, quite endeared by the boy’s abashed and distressed disposition for something so trivial.

Lee Jeno shook his head, as if wanting to say more but then, Renjun remembered his earlier resolve of just ignoring the new guy. So, with a great deal of regret, he pouted and sighed before patting the guy’s shoulder for the last time. “I’ll be going then.”

On the way back to the classroom, Renjun chastised his older self for forcing him into choosing drastic measures. Grinding his teeth, he sighed and composed himself again before entering the class and slumping on his seat again. 

Now that he’s back on his seat, had some fresh air, and the pain on his lower back finally subsided, his thoughts had cleared. Ignoring their teacher monotonously teaching about the Gulf War, Renjun propped his face on his palm, looking over to the clear skies just behind Donghyuck’s slumped figure. 

It is true that the urge to just go against everything those letters have been telling him is strong but the urge to also get to know the sweet new flesh is equally just as strong. Humming a lost folk song under his breath, Renjun tried to mull things over.

This did not go for long though as he was taken out of his thoughts by something cold that was pressed on his arm. Blinking rapidly, Renjun took his gaze away from the alluring charm of the blue skies only to turn towards Lee Jeno who’s already back in his seat and is listening to their teacher attentively.

Looking down, Renjun bit his lips to prevent a smile from blossoming on his face. It was just a simple combination of plain milk and bread. Warmth spread inside him especially as he read the neat note stuck on the bread.

‘ _I’m sorry for bumping into earlier. I don’t want to just drop it._ ’

Renjun shook his head before tapping Jeno’s forearm and mouthing a ‘thank you.’ Jeno just smiled in response and Renjun felt something in him stop before going into overdrive.

Renjun apologizes to his 26-year old silently but he could not help but be mesmerized by that eye smile. If ‘Cheshire cat smile’ was personified, it definitely is with Lee Jeno.

  
  


If he’s being honest, Renjun wouldn’t say that he’s surprised as to how easily he had managed to pull Jeno into the little group of his friends. The letter from a week ago was now totally forgotten and tossed into the back of his mind as he laughed at Chen Le’s and Jisung’s stricken face after Jeno’s joke failed to hit the mark.

They’re currently enjoying themselves in the fields, enjoying the shade that the old and massive tree is giving them against the harsh noon sunlight. Renjun is currently sketching his friends, just like always - although now, it’s with the addition of Jeno, as he chuckles and piques from time to time.

“Guys! There’s a newly opened chicken restaurant just downtown! Let’s go later!” Yangyang loudly announced from where he was seated, causing Donghyuck to startle from where he was sleeping on Yangyang’s lap. Groaning, Donghyuck slapped Yangyang’s arm before returning to his lying position. Renjun snickered.

“I don’t think I can manage to come...” Jeno trailed off in front of him. Their other friends looked disappointed but didn't feel compelled to push him. However, Renjun is pushy and so, placing his sketchbook on his lap, he pulled his best pout out. Apart from Chen Le and Jisung, everyone falls over to his antics, Jaemin even tripped over a rock once, and so, he wants to try his luck into roping Jeno in.

Not once had they hung out, what with the new boy going straight home as soon as the classes ended and Renjun figured that it’s good to bond together after classes. And not to mention the blooming crush he’s developing for Jeno. So swallowing whatever pride he actually has, he subtly batted his eyelash at Jeno.

“Won’t you come? Just this once? We haven’t hung out after school once and I want to show you all of our hangout places.” If Renjun tried even harder, he feels like he can force out a crocodile tear for maximum effect. However, Jeno is quite new in their friend group and he doesn’t want to scare away the boy by his excessive antics. So, he settled on maximizing his _aegyo_ instead.

Blinking, Jeno looked confused first before smiling hesitantly. Renjun grinned in triumph when Jeno finally agreed. “Alright, I guess coming once wouldn’t hurt.” Renjun fist pumped in the air though he quickly composed after seeing his friends’ complicated expressions.

“That was so disgusting and disturbing Renjun, don’t ever do that ever again.” Yangyang said, his eyes twitching and Renjun knows that if it weren’t for Donghyuck peacefully sleeping again on his lap, he would have jumped him. It didn’t appease his ticked nerves though as he clicked his tongue and made a mocked raised his small fist. Mark coughed to appease the situation but Renjun just scrunched his nose further in disdain seeing his disturbed disposition.

“You’re all so cruel to me. I literally breathed?” He mocked snarled at his friends who just shrugged save from Jaemin who seemed to be frozen and Jeno who pulled out the brightest smile he had shown yet. Renjun softened at that and would have beamed himself if it weren’t for Jaemin’s voice cutting through the almost bubble that was created. 

“Yeah Junnie’s so cute, everybody’s just blind.” Jaemin said, looking worryingly red but otherwise alright. Renjun blinked before huffing in agreement. “Nana looks so red in anger. Stop pretending that his _aegyo_ didn’t almost push you into feral mode.” At that remark, Renjun finally threw the last bits of his composure and threw his sketchbook at Jisung. It fortunately hit the mark, right in the middle of Jisung’s forehead, eliciting a boisterous cackle from Chen Le, a coughing laughter from Mark, an amused roll of the eye from Yangyang, a further reddening from Jaemin’s face, and an adorable giggle from Jeno.

Renjun froze mid-throw. An adorable giggle. He suddenly felt tormented about keeping up his dignity in tact or to continue his stupid ministrations to keep that smile a little bit longer.

For it is a common knowledge that though polite, Jeno is nothing but aloof, reserve, and quite conflicted. Renjun almost felt honored that he managed to at least break a smile or two from the other (since Chen Le and Jisung are naturally laughingstocks themselves, it’s no wonder that Jeno would snicker at them or smile due to them from time to time). 

He barely made it past the second mantra when he missed a step and slid on a rock and would have fallen face first on the mud if it weren’t for Jeno’s strong arms holding him. Wait. Renjun’s brain short circuited before everything went black.

It is such a pain in the ass having a crush.

  
  


Everything went extremely well last Friday. Renjun can still feel traces of the warmth as he threaded across the school gates, ready for a whole new week with renewed feelings.

For some reason, he feels extremely proud that they managed to at least crack a little bit of the walls that Jeno has brought up for himself. It was evident from the way he snorted when a chicken bone had accidentally lodged itself on the back of Donghyuck’s throat, from the way he was almost crying at Jaemin and Chen Le’s performance in the karaoke, and the way he softly smiled at Renjun as they sat atop the rooftop of the group’s little hideout. 

Renjun felt his face heat up but he quickly coughed and gathered his composure. It’s not like he hasn’t had crushes before! Renjun grumbled under his breath, scaring a few freshmen that were walking beside him. However, something feels different with Jeno, what, he’s not certain of.

He should be though, for as he entered their classroom and he saw nothing of the usual quiet and solemn figure that’s sitting beside his seat. As he saw none of the usual soft smile beaming at him, Renjun felt something off but he brushed it off, thinking that Jeno must just be running late.

He should have worried for three days later, not a shadow of Jeno was seen. Worrying, he bit his lips and would have glared at Jeno’s empty seat if it weren’t for Jaemin calling his name, thus, gaining his attention. “Injunnie? You’re awfully quiet. Is something wrong?” Jaemin looks so worried and Renjun would have felt guilty worrying his friend if it were any other day.

However, something is unsettling him and he couldn’t think as rationally as he usually does. So he unconsciously jutted his lips, slightly biting it in intervals before breathing in a large chunk of air. “Jeno’s still absent.” Something flashed in Jaemin’s face but Renjun didn't have the faculties to analyze it and just continued on moping.

“That’s right. How many days has it been?” Jaemin blinked, eyeing the empty seat beside Renjun. “Three days.” His friends obviously don't know anything, nor does their class representative as they were also asked.

He brushed it off for another day again.

A week had passed him by without seeing a shadow of Jeno’s being.

Shaking inside the recess of his closet, the two letters he had haphazardly thrown inside it caught his eyes, mocking his idiocy and stubbornness. Taking it and holding it to his chest, he read the fading message, willing it to torture him with its words.

‘ _I don’t want to make this long and just tell you that please don’t ask Jeno to hang out after class._

 _Don’t be an idiot Renjun-ah, just this once._ ’

The letter said, it kept on saying but he was so stubborn he refused to listen. Swallowing the tears that silently cascaded down his cheeks, he prayed. He prayed that he be given another chance, another chance to listen to the letters, another chance to write what the letters have said he had done wrongly.

To have another chance to see that Cheshire cat smile on Jeno.

Something must have heard his prayers for a little flashing of light invaded through the cracks of his little closet, seemingly coming from his study table.

Renjun’s heartbeat picked up, his teeth finding its way sandwiching his lower lip unconsciously. Wiping his tear-stained face haphazardly, he crawled out of his little cocoon and took the letter.

‘ _Dear younger me,_

_It’s quite sunny today here._

_I wish you’ve listened; I wish you weren’t as dumb as I was back then._ ’

Renjun pouted, his lips quivering as another onset of tears blurred his vision again. He wishes he could snort at the letter, tell it mentally that of course, he’s smart like that. However, he couldn’t and the only thing that he could is to prevent a pathetic sob from him after realizing that he had been dumb enough to literally challenge and do otherwise what the letters had told him two weeks ago from when they first started appearing on his desk.

‘ _Please be kind, please be a good friend._

_Please give him a reason to stay, please don’t give up on him._

_There will be days when it seems daunting speaking out and approaching him but please be brave._

_Be brave and do not let anxiety halt you in your steps._

_My anxiety before lost me my chances... to be with him._

_Don’t shrug things off, don’t be complacent to not ask about the shadows clouding his eyes._

_Don’t hesitate to ask him to hang out at that cute cat cafe just across the block from the playground, don’t hesitate to ask him to volunteer with you, encourage him to join the play with you._

_Also…_

_Discourage him from dating Jaehyun-sunbae._

_Don’t be the bigger person this time Renjun-ah. If you like something, go for it. If you want to say something, fucking say it._

_Don’t be the coward that I was nor the hard-headed fool that I still am._

_Maybe things might be different for you then._ ’

Renjun was sobbing by the end of the letter. He doesn’t know how or why but he can feel the regret, disappointment, and wistfulness oozing from the letter. This time, there were no teartracks, no rumples, not even a single character haywire, but that even made Renjun sadder.

Breathing in a ragged breath, Renjun promised to himself, to his future self as well; he’ll do things right this time around.

  
  


Another week has passed and Jeno has still yet to return to school. It made Renjun extremely antsy and anxious, even going as far as snapping at ChenJi back last Wednesday because of his nerves - though he apologized as quickly as he was angered. However, as Friday rolled around, Renjun just resigned to it and used the newly sent letters to guide him in concocting a plan of action once Jeno finally rolls around.

Still looking like a zombie but infinitely calmer and better, Renjun entered the classroom, the earliest - as always, and smiled at the bag of milk he brought just as always. He just hopes that he doesn’t have to drink an extra carton of milk. Animatedly gritting his teeth at the plastic bag, he snickered to himself, not expecting the amused eyes watching him.

A thousand thoughts ran through Renjun’s head, jumbling and merging into a mess of turmoils, but one thing’s for sure and that is if it weren’t for the structure of the plastic holder, he would have dropped the milk on the ground and would have wasted both the milk and his money. He’s thinking that he should stop blacking out with every single breath Lee Jeno takes but after his dumbass charade from the last last week, he has accepted, reflected, and even manifested his idiocy. He is now wholeheartedly agreeing that though academically smart, he’s equally as dumb in problems surrounding human interaction and vowed to follow every advice that dubious letter is giving him.

Calming his racing heart, he took a deep breath before proceeding to his seat beside Jeno, carefully placing the milks on Yangyang’s table adjacent to his table. Taking the two plain milk, he settled on his seat, offering Jeno the other. It may not seem like it on the outside, but the anxiety that’s bubbling inside him is making him hesitant, and at most, causing trembles in his extremities. 

Thankfully, Jeno graciously accepted it and even handed him a bread that is similar from the one he gave Renjun three weeks ago. Renjun felt something warm spread in his chest. It was halted in its growth though as Renjun noticed the bags that were sagging down beneath his eyes. Jeno’s eyes have never been extremely sparkly anyway, something dim always clouding it but Renjun was taken aback seeing it as dull as it currently is.

Something was pierced inside him but Renjun shrugged it off, more inclined to earn Jeno’s trust and letting time take its course. As it is, his elder self has advised him to be smarter and wiser, and being pushy, he knows, wouldn’t get him anywhere. 

So with better strategy, Renjun smiled in thanks and opened the bread, eating it. “I’m glad you’re back.” He said simply, not wanting to just shrug off Jeno’s disappearance but placing a good boundary. Jeno looked down, something flashing on his face, what, Renjun will take his time to understand later, before looking up again and smiling softly. “I’m glad I am too.”

Their little bubble did not last for long for soon, the loud ruckus of their friends entering gives nothing quite near to peace. They all halted comically in their own rights, with Donghyuck even tripping on his feet, taking Yangyang with him, as he awoke with Jeno’s usual smile, and Chen Le shrieking so loudly it broke Jisung, as they registered a new yet familiar face drinking his milk beside Renjun.

Renjun giggled as lanky limbs bulldozed towards their table and he sneakily moved towards Yangyang’s seat, effectively saving himself from the resulting crash caused by the four’s leap towards Jeno. Mark and Jaemin just looked at each other before shaking their heads in dismay, fixing their misaligned chairs caused by the four before going to Renjun to grab their milk.

“You missed so much lesson.” Mark offered, snickering at Jeno who’s entangled with the mesh of limbs on the ground after the four successfully tipped him over. Renjun’s glad that Yangyang was mindful enough to shield Jeno’s head and back from impact when they fell over.

Jeno looked at the three of them, silently pleading to be rescued from the death grip the four has on him. Jaemin stifled his laugh as he shook his head while Renjun shrugged in agreement. Mark sighed, having to play as the mediator once again. “Alright guys, get off the poor guy, I still have to give him notes.” He called out, barely looking at the four.

Thankfully, the four complied, though half-heartedly and Donghyuck was the one who pulled Jeno up and fixed his chair up. “Oh right! I remember that I have your task sheets!” Renjun exclaimed after Mark gave Jeno a photocopy of his notes from the past weeks. As he scrambled to retrieve it from his bag, he mentally slapped himself remembering that he had left it at home.

“Let me guess, you left it at home?” Jaemin offered, an eyebrow raised. Renjun pouted as he straightened and glared at his friend. Jaemin just can’t help but tease him. Renjun faux huffed in indignation. However, he couldn’t help the nod that followed after, his hand reaching to his nape, subconsciously scratching it in embarrassment. He wants to defend himself, that he was not really expecting Jeno to be back today but figured that it might be too insensitive so he just dejectedly turned towards him, biting his lips in anxiety.

All the previous progress from their first week seemed to have vanished, realizing that he hasn’t really had gotten to know Jeno apart from the superficialities everyone else does and now, he doesn’t know how to approach Jeno even when he’s yearning to do so.

“That’s fine Renjun-ah, maybe you could just bring it tomorrow?” Jeno smiled kindly, softly offering a solution so that Renjun could be eased. Renjun shook his head though for he knows that Jeno doesn’t have the luxury of tomorrow since their teachers are requiring so much of him. So racking his brains, Renjun tried to come up with a compromise- wait, beaming brightly, Renjun giddily sat back on his chair, finally thinking of something and wishing to impart it soon.

“Jeno, Jeno! What if-!” He started excitedly, although seeing the surprise painting the other’s face, he dimmed down a little although his excitement didn’t totally dampen down. Coughing, Renjun toned down his jumping to continue his proposal. “What if you accompany me on the way home? So that I can also help you for a while before you head home!”

Jeno smiled hesitantly but Renjun couldn’t think of a better alternative and he doesn’t really want to burden Jeno with more backlog just because he had forgotten to bring his missed papers. So pulling out his best pout, Renjun tried pulling his usual shit with Jaemin on Jeno, hoping that it’d work as effectively. “Jaemin also live close by so we can crash at his when we don’t understand anything!” He added, hopeful and with how Jeno nodded with amusement tinging his eyes, Renjun fist pumped in triumph.

The class went by quickly, and after their morning break, they’re in the gymnasium, waiting by the sidelines for their teacher to finally appear and give them instructions. Their P.E. classes are usually lax anyways, a little game here and there before getting dismissed. Their class was tasked to play dodgeball and volleyball before their teacher went ahead, leaving their class representative in charge.

Renjun is taken back to the letter he has received. He doesn’t understand the extent of the recent letters but he has done a fairly good job of deciphering it – he spent nights analyzing the text and writing a little outline of what he could possibly do and as he’s sitting with Jaemin and Jeno, watching Mark get bamboozled by the chaotic four, Renjun found an answer to his mental queries.

“Jeno! Let’s volunteer for a round in the class game!” Renjun turned to Jeno, giddiness and wariness clashing but hope still shone through. Jeno was obviously taken aback, even Jaemin that’s sitting beside Jeno turned to him and made a confused face. Renjun huffed for he knows the implications of his words; joining the class in dodgeball is a great leap.

Apart from the _bloodbath_ that’s the class games, Jeno hasn’t exactly been mingling outside their little friend group and Renjun cannot blame him. Everybody else has been quite awkward with him as well so Renjun could understand the hesitance. However, he figured that if not now, then he might not get another opportunity.

The letters are also quite ominous in nature. This, Renjun also bears in mind and now that it has popped again in his thoughts, he couldn’t help but swallow the lump that has quickly progressed in his throat. He quickly tossed it for later as he continued on waiting for Jeno’s reply.

He’s eager but he’d respect it if Jeno would like to step out again just like he did in their first week. He hopes he doesn’t though.

Upon Jeno’s affirmation smile, Renjun beamed brightly. “Bomin! We’ll join the next round!” He stood up and told their class representative. “All three of you?” He clarified and Renjun nodded in excitement. “Oy! I did not consent to this!” Jaemin protested, having not asked beforehand. Renjun just poked out his tongue, making face at his friend before beaming at Jeno again. Jaemin just huffed indignantly beside Jeno, causing the latter to laugh at the two of them for their antics.

The first round ended soon and Renjun’s now standing in front of Jeno and Jaemin who are on the other group. Renjun’s group are the ones throwing the balls whilst Jeno and Jaemin are in the other one who’s supposed to dodge. Renjun was having a childish fight with Jaemin as they made faces with each other while Jeno’s laughing beside Jaemin, nudging the latter in between giggles to which Jaemin pettily huffed at.

“ _Woah, Jeno’s joining?_ ” “ _I know. And look, he’s even laughing out loud._ ” “ _He seems like a good guy._ ”

Those were just among the whispers he had heard and Renjun smiled at that. He’s hopeful that somehow, maybe Jeno can have more friends apart from them and maybe soon, he can brighten up a little bit and clear that fog that’s covering his heart. Maybe not now but hopefully soon.

Once the game started, things fell into chaos but Renjun could take the bruises he acquired due to Jaemin’s pettiness for Jeno’s smiles any day.

“Uhh, I feel like something’s wrong with my answer but I cannot point what nor where.” Renjun bit the tail end of his pen, glaring at the mismatched numbers of his answer and the one he had yielded after checking. No matter how much he twisted and turned his paper, it just doesn’t make sense. Grumbling, Renjun slumped on the chair before throwing his pen on top of the worksheet and drinking a bit of his Iced Cappuccino.

He and Jeno are currently working on their worksheets inside a café that’s quite close by his house. He decided it’d be better the moment he saw the guests his mother had invited for some tea in their house and Jaemin had left, thus, they’ll be unable to crash at his.

Renjun had decided to help Jeno accomplish his missed worksheets so that he wouldn’t have anymore backlogs and so far, they had successfully finished about seventy-five percent of it so Renjun had turned to work on his Math worksheet only to find out that he’s having a hard time with the numbers. He does agree that he’s not the best at Mathematics, they have Mark and Jaemin for that, but he can’t believe that he’s this dumb? Grimacing at this mental insult, Renjun pouted, thinking about what he was doing when their teacher was discussing this particular lesson.

“I’m nearly done here Renjun-ah, want me to look over your worksheet?” Jeno said in front of him, mindfully looking at his slumped being on his chair. Renjun nodded, his braincells too overworked to even think much of anything apart from disintegrating then and there. He heard ruffling of papers as he shut his eyes for a while, wanting to rest it before returning to the battlefield again later.

“Here Jun-ah, I’ve broken down the problem, it seems like you’ve been using the wrong signs that’s why you’re getting the wrong numbers even if you’re using the right solution.” He was called out of his slump not five minutes later. Renjun blinked blearily before leaning forward, looking at Jeno blankly. He doesn’t really have that much neurons left, so forgive his unintelligent reactions.

Jeno doesn’t seem to mind his zombie-like demeanor as he smiled before moving over to seat beside Renjun who just continued on blearily looking at Jeno. Seeing that Renjun’s consciousness has yet to come back, Jeno laughed before softly flicking his forehead and offering him some of his Iced Americano. Renjun pouted but took a sip nonetheless, knowing that he needed a little bit of that caffeine bitterness to understand a little bit of Jeno’s explanations.

Another hour has passed and soon, they have packed up with Renjun offering Jeno to be walked home. Jeno looked conflicted, his pupils wandering as he looked down. Renjun figures that it must be a sensitive thing that he had poked so smiling, he reached out and softly poking at Jeno’s forearm, he smiled and urged him to start walking.

“I’ll just walk you to the bus stop, come on.” He compromised, no longer wanting to put the other on the spot like he did earlier the day. He saw Jeno breathe out in relief at that and Renjun felt a twinge of guilt pinch his heart seeing that. His insensitive urgings came back to him two-fold and is making it hard for him to breathe.

As they slowly walk side by side, Renjun thinks that he should try to apologize, though how, he’s not sure of. “Jen, you could say ‘no.’” He started, his voice cracking a little bit at the end due to the lump that has blocked his throat. He can feel the confused look he was given so after swallowing the lump in his throat, Renjun tried to smile through his guilt. “I know I could be quite persuasive but if you’re really not comfortable with my ideas, please do tell. I liked doing things with you but I’d love it even more if you’re only doing them because you’re really down to doing it.”

Renjun expected silence not warm hands circling around his wrist, halting him in his steps as he must’ve left Jeno a few steps behind while he was lost in his thoughts. However, that’s what he was given, in addition to Jeno’s shrunken figure, looking down the brick path they were walking inside the park towards the bus stop.

“I like being with you though.” The other mumbled lowly but Renjun heard it loud and clear and he found his face heating up in record time. Outward, he has frozen and is looking at Jeno blankly but inwardly, he’s having an emergency meeting with the faculties of his brain, trying to understand what Jeno meant about that plus those nonverbal cues!

Renjun was about to short circuit if it weren’t for the loud screaming that brought him out of his stupor. He would have been run over by a cyclist if it weren’t for Jeno’s fast reflexes, pulling him out of harm’s way. He wasn’t able to register the screaming of the cyclist as well as Jeno’s words towards the passerby, what he’s sure of though, as he registered the faint scent of dandelions clinging on the pungent smell of disinfectant and bleach. Renjun feels warm.

“Then I’m glad.” He whispered, hoping that Jeno could hear because he means it. He wants to do so much with Jeno so he’s glad that his _friend_ likes being with him. Coughing, he finally realized the compromising position they were in and made a move to straighten himself.

Thankfully, he saw the approaching bus from the far left, otherwise, awkwardness would settle between the two of them. “I think that’s your bus?” He shyly said and Jeno nodded in response, finally letting him go.

“Jun?” Jeno called once he was a good distance away from Renjun who’s still trying to calm his stupid heart. “Thanks for today and for the one before. I really enjoyed everything.” Then he started walking again.

It took Renjun a good amount of time before he registered the ominous tone it possesses. So in response, he gathered his strength to shout back. “Then we’ll spend more days like this! We’ll enjoy many days like these! So don’t disappear without any word again, alright?!”

He doesn’t know how Jeno will take that, especially since he has been quite careful in touching the topic of his long absence. He doesn’t know what to expect but seeing Jeno halt before looking back and smiling at him, Renjun thinks that’s more than enough.

“Alright. Let’s do that.”

‘ _It’s been more than 10 years now but I can’t still remove these monsters that are eating at my heart._

_10 years full of regrets, 10 years full of fog._

_So many chances I could have, yet I blew it all until it was too late to go back._

_Please don’t fail to tell him that you love him,_

_That you all value him._

_For if you fail, the day of hearts will be the day when your heart dies together with Jeno’s body._

_Please prevent it this time around. Please stop him this time around._

_Lovingly,_

_Your Future Self_ ’

Renjun cannot believe what he just read. He’s shaking so badly he had to sit on the floor to prevent himself from toppling over with how bad his nausea is. Everything was fine, everything was going well, Jeno even started going out with them after classes though it’s still sparse, and Jeno seemed to be opening up progressively as the days pass by.

Clutching his head, he let the letter fall beside him, unwilling to look at it further as Jeno’s clearing eyes seemed to be mocking him in his memories as the words written in the letter materialized in front of him.

He now understands the desperation that’s laced in the letters. He now understands the regret and sorrow painted by those tear-tracks. He now understands why the universe is doing something, helping his future self, sending these letters light-years away from its original source, millions of universes away.

Because Lee Jeno breathes no more in that universe where his twenty-six-year-old self lives.

This shocking revelation is too much for Renjun’s young self. He cannot lie, he likes Jeno so much right now, he likes him so much that this new-found knowledge is like stabbing his heart with a thousand knives, rendering him paralyzed and choking with emotions.

He doesn’t know how to take things now, how to do things. He doesn’t know how to face Jeno without breaking into a thousand pieces, crumbling even at the shadow of the boy he likes. This is a big responsibility thrust into him just because he managed to open the Pandora’s jar that contains all this turmoil. He’s just but a child who has to bear a life in his own hands.

He wants to save Jeno but he has to pick up himself first.

“Are you fine now?” Jaemin inquired the moment he sat on his seat. Renjun smiled wearily as he nodded. He feels thankful that he had managed to bullshit sickness with his mother so he was able to take a day off yesterday, giving him time to ponder and process the extreme heaviness the recent letter had induced him.

He also managed to gather himself so as not to run away hastily from Jeno. The responsibility and knowledge are extremely heavy but he knows well enough to not let it affect his interactions with his crush. He’s now determined more than ever, even borderline competitive, to make things right and worth it this time around.

Taking in a deep breath, Renjun took the milk he bought for his friends and took his and Jeno’s plain milk before giving Jaemin the bag, wanting the other to give the rest theirs. Jaemin just raised an eyebrow at him before soundlessly giving out the milk to the others.

“How sick were you?” Jeno asked after thanking him for the milk. Renjun simply shrugged, not really having the proper faculties to compose a well-thought out lie after exhausting himself thinking all day yesterday. Jeno seem to want to inquire further but something in Renjun’s face must have halted him so hesitantly just dropped the subject altogether as he took out a familiar bread from his bag and gave it to Renjun.

Renjun beamed brightly, all the negativities already vanishing and once again, getting pushed in the back of his mind. Jeno smiled back, now reaching out to ruffle Renjun’s hair. Before, when Jeno did this, Renjun froze and looked at Jeno blankly, but now, Renjun wants to treasure it so much and keep it for as long as he can.

Soon, Renjun’s turmoil got pushed fully as Chen Le and Jisung nearly tackled him to the ground if it weren’t for Jeno’s strong hands and Jaemin reaching out to pull his chair back. The two really are very affectionate and does this every time a friend of theirs go absent, it’s like a welcoming ceremony. Renjun felt weird being the receiver of such attention but as he pondered on it after Donghyuck effectively silenced the two after briefly lifting his head due to the two’s noises, he’s glad his friends does this.

Because without their sunshines, Renjun cannot clear alone the fog and shadow that’s enveloping Jeno and pulling him away. Biting his lips, Renjun tried to subdue the prickling that emerged from his eyes.

Their homeroom teacher arrived, giving a few reminders here and there, with a special emphasis on the class play they should put up as part of their Christmas requirement. She quickly left after her quick announcements to let the class brainstorm for the upcoming play.

Their class representative, Bomin, went in front quickly to take charge. Renjun and Jeno exchanged looks as everybody else shouted their suggestions, with Mark and Jaemin being particularly fiery about their wish to play a classic while ChenJi and Yangyang snorted at him and kept on suggesting contemporary and easier pieces but equally meaningful. Donghyuck would grumpily throw Chen Le a crumpled paper when the latter gets particularly loud in the middle of discussion.

Jeno, on the other hand, just kept on laughing beside him, which Renjun found endearing. “I don’t understand why they’re so serious about this, our other classmates aren’t even as passionate.” Jeno remarked lowly beside him, eliciting a giggle from Renjun who just shook his head in amusement at his idiotic friends while Bomin was massaging his head on the class podium as he tried making sense of the argument among the five.

“I do agree but that’s just them and our class never failed any presentation when either of those idiots take charge so nobody’s very sensitive over their idiocies.” He smiled as Jeno laughed a little before amusing himself again over the heated discussion.

Then an idea struck Renjun when Yangyang pushed for a new script. He gasped loudly, causing Jaemin to look back at him questioningly. “Jeno should write the script!” He announced, causing Jeno to whip his head at him comically. “He’s really good! I’ve read one of his outputs!” Renjun proudly proclaimed to which Yangyang agreed because he was also peeking when Jeno had Renjun check his mock-script to be passed to their Literature teacher earlier that week.

As he saw the agreements of his classmate, Renjun smiled only for it to fall once he saw the swimming doubt covering Jeno’s face. Renjun put Jeno on the spot once again. Sitting back down and shrinking even further than he initially was sitting, he couldn’t bare to look up at Jeno. “I didn’t ask your permission again. I’m sorry.”

Dumb Renjun, he chastised himself. He promised that he wouldn’t put Jeno on the spot like he did from weeks back and so far, he had been succeeding but why, just why did he have to do this again? “Forget what I said, if Jeno doesn’t want to-” He gulped before trying to retract back his words only to be cut off midway.

“No, if you’d all like, I’d wish to join the writing team for the class play.” Jeno spoke up, taking Renjun by surprise. “Only if Mr. Top 3, part of the Crème of the Crop, Huang Renjun joins the writing team as well.” He added playfully, winking at Renjun’s flabbergasted face.

“I think that’d be good. You two can write the script and overlook the props team if they suit your vision.” Bomin announced quickly, looking relieved that Renjun and Jeno managed to shut up the five musketeers who were hellbent on doing another overplayed and complicated play. Renjun barely registered that though as he was still looking at Jeno, his surprise not waning even for a bit.

Jeno just chuckled and ruffled his hair affectionately, taking Renjun out of his stupor. “I told you, I like being with you.” At that, Renjun knows that he must be as red as a cherry as he half-heartedly tried to remove Jeno’s hand from his hair.

The rest of the day went by and Renjun thinks that the school play is a good opportunity to both expand Jeno’s interpersonal interactions and his own expertise while having extra time for them to spend together.

Just thinking about it is already making Renjun blush. He chastised himself again as he was packing his bag in order to get ready to go home. They’re not going to hang out this particular afternoon, with Jeno having to do some chores at home as well as Jaemin having to go somewhere again. Donghyuck hasn’t slept well throughout the whole day because of the discussions for the upcoming play (aka Chen Le was too noisy because of extreme excitement) so he’s extra pissy and Yangyang figured that it’s better to head home earlier that day. Mark, obviously, goes where Jaemin goes and with a last eye roll at Renjun’s teasing subtleties, he went off.

Renjun’s determined to make this whole process enjoyable so a little alone time was something that’s highly welcomed though it was unexpected.

Throughout the day, he has been blushing furiously for some reason and now his mind is tainted with the idea of confessing with Jeno soon.

Ideally, it should be in the Valentine’s day but that day is quite tricky, and though he’s determined to keep Jeno with them, he doesn’t want to take his chances with that particular date.

Nevermind, he’ll think about it later, for now, he should start thinking for a possible plot outline for them to work out tomorrow.

Jeno looks pleased and Renjun couldn’t be happier. One week in and he and Jeno finally finished the script and even the editing. The only thing to be done with the script is revisions after all teams meets up and started doing rehearsals.

Renjun’s so happy, they’ve been finishing late just so they could start the rehearsals as soon as possible and Jeno had spent two nights, now turning three, sleeping over at his to which left quite the butterflies especially the teasing looks he’ll receive from his friends and other nosy classmates every time he and Jeno went in at the same time in the morning with Jeno starting to bring more bread to partner with the milk that Renjun buys for their friends every single time.

And Renjun thought about confessing sooner.

He feels his face heat up as the two of them walks along the empty hallways as it is still quite early and their floor is still quite sparse. He had been pondering over it, staring intently at the problem at hand but Renjun is too much of a coward to actually think and conjure of a proper plan on how to confess.

Not to mention the weight he’s carrying with the knowledge of Jeno’s… _future_. Renjun cringed at that and his mood plummeted altogether, causing him to look down and watch his steps instead.

“Don’t watch your steps too much, you might topple and fall.” He heard Jeno say beside him, an arm placed in front of his torso, urging him to straighten up. Thus, Renjun noticed that he has been bending too much, almost looking like a walking zombie and would have tripped if it weren’t for Jeno. His face heated up again, ensued by the same boy that has been causing his heart to malfunction very frequently recently.

Coughing Renjun stood straight and laughed awkwardly before straightening up. Jeno was smiling very brightly at him. Renjun doesn’t want this moment to end. Just he and Jeno, enjoying the morning breeze and the quiet that the deserted school gives them.

Renjun felt that the moment was perfect, just he and Jeno, right in the middle of their natural habitat. He figures that that was the right moment. Biting his lips, Renjun halted in his steps, causing Jeno to do the same and looked at him in confusion.

“Jeno I-” Renjun started but was cut off. “Lee Jeno?” The two of them looked at the owner of that voice. Renjun felt his heart drop to his stomach as he recognized who intruded inside their safe bubble. He felt stupid once again, felt the nausea climbing up his throat, felt his negligence and poor memory gnawing at him.

He had forgotten this part of the letter.

‘ _Discourage him from dating Jaehyun-sunbae._

 _Don’t be the bigger person this time Renjun-ah. If you like something, go for it. If you want to say something, fucking say it._ ’

Jung Jaehyun is standing in front of them, looking intently at Jeno and Renjun felt like vomiting as he saw a faint blush creep up on Jeno’s cheeks, tainting it a soft rose. He wanted to scream, he wanted to shout out loud the feelings that has been bubbling up inside him, to pull Jeno closer to him, to pull him behind him and snarl at their senior.

But he cannot.

Renjun can’t. He’s not like that. He could never do that.

So instead, he froze up and watched Jaehyun give Jeno a box of chocolates while proclaiming his feelings. As the wind blew and shook the trees, causing for the leaves to fall down, Renjun felt the pieces of his heart slowly fall and trickle like those leaves. As the sun slowly crept up further on the horizon, Renjun felt himself as dark as the darkest nights.

Everything feels so long, as if time had stopped for him and Renjun was forced to both watch his undoing unfold in front of himself while remembering all the instructions and guidance he had forgotten. He had totally blanked out and it was Jaehyun’s gentle smile towards him that brought him back and he managed to get the last bits of that confession.

“I’ll wait for your answer then? See you around.” And their senior was off. Renjun turned to Jeno and the small dust of pink tinting Jeno’s cheeks had evolved into something redder, something more encompassing across his small face. That’s like another metaphorical blow at Renjun’s degenerating mind.

“Let’s go?” Jeno said softly and Renjun is brought back to the reality.

He knows that this is the beginning of the end for him.

It went on like that for weeks. Renjun would oversee the progress of the play with Jeno while the latter receives constant visits and snacks from their infamous senior. Due to this, it hasn’t been long since word spread that the captain of the basketball team is pursuing Jeno. Just thinking about it is leaving a bitter taste in Renjun’s tongue.

He also hasn’t received a letter for so long, thus, leaving him immobile and confused in a situation where he has to deal with his feelings, he has so much tasks on his plate because of the class play, he has to carry the knowledge of Jeno’s _fate_ on his own, and maintaining the friendship between the two of them even when he wants nothing more than running away, locking himself up, and waiting for his heart to heal from the lacerations the thorns have caused it.

However, he doesn’t have that choice.

It’s a torture to see Jung Jaehyun make Jeno blush every single day, to see Jeno stuttering and spluttering on his words whenever their bold senior made advances, and to be able to do absolutely nothing about it. But he still can’t move himself to leave.

For not once had Jeno changed in the way he treats him.

He’s still the huge and gentle puppy that he has always been. He’s still the soft and humorous Jeno that they play with. He’s still the mindful and caring sunshine that he has always been. And among all, Jeno is still the boy that Renjun likes so much it’s really hurting him.

This day, however, something is different. He cannot pinpoint if it’s the festive air that’s muddling his thinking, if it’s the colorful decorations that’s alluring him into irrationality. However, one thing’s for sure, he wants to confess to Jeno whatever the consequence may be.

He wants to confess under the fireworks display, regardless of Jeno’s response. He’s prepared for the rejection anyway, however, he wants to at least clear his conscience instead of living with the regret that his future self is suffering. He can’t comprehend the consequences of his plans, he can’t dare think of it lest he falls into despair, but he’s willing to take a leap.

Inhaling in a deep breath, Renjun glared at his reflection and tried hard to uplift himself. So far, it was working, as he soon burst into giggles upon realizing how absurd he must look. Renjun just realized that no matter how much heartbroken he gets; he just can’t take himself seriously.

“Alright, let’s run down shit Huang Renjun.” Renjun mocked squinted his eyes at himself, preventing himself from giggling again. “You’re gonna go there and ask Jeno to watch the fireworks with you at the rooftops and you’re gonna confess shit to him, alright?”

He squinted his eyes for a few more second before pfft-ing out loud and deciding that he should end his little games inside the deserted bathroom. Rolling his eyes, Renjun winked at his reflection before heading out without a second glance.

He should’ve though. He should’ve paid more attention at the malevolent smirk that was given his way.

As soon as he was back on the floor of his own class, Renjun raised an eyebrow seeing the little ruckus that Donghyuck, Yangyang, Chen Le, and Jisung are causing in front of their class while Mark’s looking absolutely done with them while Jaemin’s just snickering beside Jeno whose head is down as he’s probably checking their script.

Renjun shook his head as he ran towards them, even tripping on his feet if it weren’t for Jeno’s and Jaemin’s swift responses. Renjun just beamed at them as Jaemin rolled his eyes before returning back to their classroom. He pouted seeing Jaemin having a pissy mood again but he brushed it off as he straightened himself while Jeno is raising an eyebrow at his behavior.

“You’re awfully giddy today Jun.” Jeno noted, putting the paper behind his back as he leaned back and observed Renjun who settled beside him. Renjun just clicked his tongue but made no comment. He figured that his conning of himself has worked that even his body has pumped itself with the appropriate chemicals to excite him. Renjun mentally patted himself on the back for a job well done deceiving himself.

Turning to Jeno, he shrugged and smiled. Throwing a look at his preoccupied friends, Renjun gathered all the dumb courage he had manifested for himself back in the restroom and looked at Jeno. “Jen, let’s watch the fireworks later in the rooftops?” He said lowly, suppressing the doubt that’s threatening to emerge in his heart.

Jeno looked surprised at his proposal but doesn’t seem to be against it and for that, Renjun thinks it’s more than enough. At least there’s not a hint of rejection there. Renjun mentally smacked himself, willing his brain to not go there right then. “Hmm? The rooftops are closed tonight though? Everybody must go watch on the grounds.”

Thankfully, Renjun’s prepared and he used his lethal connections, in the form of his cousin – Sicheng, who’s the council president, and he managed to reserve that place for the two of them. Smiling, Renjun just winked, causing Jeno to chuckle at that before ruffling his hair. “Alright, I’ll be there.”

Beaming brightly, Renjun gently nudged Jeno with his shoulders in excitement. Jeno just laughed as he leaned a little of his weight as well, now watching how their friends’ little ruckus morphed into something akin to a game of charades which attracted a lot of other students who stopped and watched his friends’ shenanigans.

He hasn’t thought of it before but Renjun thinks that maybe the universe hasn’t given up on him yet.

Or maybe it has but it’s just too cunning to show itself.

Renjun felt himself froze up as he saw Jung Jaehyun blocking the staircase as he was about to go up towards the rooftops after finishing a little errand Mark asked for him. It’s just five minutes before the start of the fireworks and Renjun doesn’t like the unsettling feeling that’s emerging in his guts seeing the senior’s smile.

For though charming, Renjun can definitely see the cruelty behind it.

“Oh hey Renjun.” He said, startling Renjun out of his stupor. Renjun smiled hesitantly but bowed nonetheless to offer his respects. “Hello Jaehyun _sunbae_.” Renjun greeted, his voice low and wary but nonetheless under the umbrella of society’s standard for respect.

“If you don’t mind, could you help me bring these down to the basement? I’ve injured my wrist and can’t lift things to save my life but my friends ditched me here.” Jaehyun tried to feign disappointment but Renjun could see right through him. However, what power does he really wield against the basketball captain? Especially his senior?

So despite his better wishes, Renjun just relented, silently taking the box behind Jaehyun and made his way towards the basement. At this point, he knows that he wouldn’t be able to reach Jeno in time no matter how much he rushes especially with the extreme weight and fragility which the items inside the box possess. Renjun bit his lips to stop the tears that’s threatening to burst from his tear ducts.

He can hear the loud cheering, the countdown, and he couldn’t help but sniff in an attempt to control his tears.

He spoke too soon, thinking that the universe has given him a chance when in fact it’s just taunting him. He feels like an idiot. Maybe his future self was right, he truly is an idiot regardless of his efforts to do what he feels is right and rational.

He should’ve never fell.

“Injunnie!” Renjun forlornly looked up and upon seeing his friends’ faces, the tears that he had been holding in burst like a broken dam. “N-Nana, Markie.” He croaked out, hiccupping and sniffing. Jaemin and Mark rushed to him and took the large box of ceramics from him, causing him to look at them in confusion.

“Run to Jeno, we’ve sent Jaehyun sunbae to the gardens.” Jaemin said seriously, pushing Renjun with his hips. Renjun pouted at that, his lips trembling. “But hasn’t the fireworks started already? It’ll be pointless then.” He said forlornly.

Jaemin clicked his tongue in obvious annoyance but it was Mark who answered him hurriedly. “No, we talked with Sicheng sunbae and the display was divided into two parts. So run along, you have ample time before the second display.”

At that, Renjun finally smiled shakily before kissing his friends’ cheeks. “Thank you so much guys.”

Maybe the universe isn’t really that cruel to him.

He flied through the stairs, his adrenaline pumping through and making him forget about his nonexistent stamina. He expected a thousand of thoughts to invade his mind but surprisingly, there’s only one thing that’s stayed on his mind as he climbed the torturous seven floors and that’s Jeno’s gentle smile and sparkling eyes.

As he arrived at the rooftop and pushed the door open, causing it to loudly hit the wall and taking Jeno by surprise, Renjun can’t help the grin that broke out from him.

Previous anxieties and frustrations are all thrown out of the window as Jeno chuckled and shook his head when Renjun ran to him, clinging to his arm as he faced them towards the ground. “You took so long.” Jeno commented as Renjun finally took the time to catch his breath. “Sorry, just had some errands to run for Jaehyun sunbae.” He tried explaining.

Jeno’s expressions shifted and Renjun do not know how to feel about that. His confusion and questions were answered not a moment later as Jeno spoke, retelling him a tale that settled a foreign feeling in his stomach. “Sunbae… he… I rejected him.” Renjun whipped his head at Jeno the same time that the loud countdown below started.

This confused Renjun, definitely. He saw how Jeno blushed whenever their senior dropped by their classroom. He saw how his friend stuttered and evade Jung Jaehyun’s cheesy words, even going so far as to hide behind Jaemin and his infamous bitch face. So this development is quite surprising.

“He asked me out again yesterday but I said no.” Jeno paused and Renjun waited patiently for him to continue what he was saying. “I just don’t think sunbae’s right for me.” And in that moment, Renjun swears he saw something glint in Jeno’s orbs but he was given no time to assess it as soon, loud cracklings soar up to the sky, illuminating the beautiful night sky with its colorful designs and sparks.

It’s so enamoring, watching the display with Jeno just a finger away from him, also looking at the beautiful night sky. And to be honest, all these mess of emotions and distraught he had felt from prior made him rethink his decisions of confessing.

As he looks at Jeno who looks the most expressive he’s ever been, Renjun thinks that he wants to settle and keep this instead of pursuing his selfish endeavors. He wants to keep Jeno close more than ever for as long as he can and hiding his feelings is a little sacrifice that he’s glad to do.

“Jen?” Renjun called out tentatively, his curiosity getting ahold of him once again. There’s a hidden truth hiding in plain sight and for some reason, Renjun feels like he might get his answers tonight. “Your two-week absence… I never got to ask you because I’m afraid it’ll be too intruding but what happened then?” This obviously caught Jeno off-guard and for a moment, Renjun wanted to retract back what he said if not for Jeno’s quite affirmative hum.

“My mother… my mother killed herself.” Renjun froze at that. He never expected things to be this _severe_ as much as he doesn’t expect Jeno to be this open. Sure, he prided himself and his friends for being such clowns that Jeno’s comfortable with them so much, him more so, but seeing Jeno’s bare soul in front of him without an ounce of hesitance, Renjun feels honored.

But that doesn’t alleviate the clenching in his heart.

Renjun doesn’t know what to say nor what to do, is he going to reach out and pat his friend’s shoulders? He’s not certain. However, it seemed that his silence and earnestness was felt for Jeno smiled at him as he continued. “I was supposed to accompany her to the hospital before because she was too sick but I got held up in the enrollment. Then that Friday, when we went out to eat chicken, when I got home… she… she…” Jeno could not take his emotions anymore as he burst into tears.

Renjun almost automatically caught Jeno’s body and wrapped him in a warm embrace. The gravity of the situation dawned on him and as he caressed Jeno’s ebony locks, Renjun couldn’t help the shaking of his voice as he croaked out the guilt that drowned him upon realizing that he has a direct relation to the progress of their conditions. After all, he was the one who insisted for Jeno to join them that day even when the latter looked hesitant at first.

“J-Jen, oh my god, I’m so sorry. I-I-…” He can no longer contain the apologies that flew right out of his mouth. “No, please don’t apologize, not you too.” Jeno begged with his voice muffled on Renjun’s hair. Renjun can only nod in assent for he too feels that Jeno will just feel even more terrible if he apologized further.

“She told me in her letter she couldn’t bear to hold me down anymore, t-that she was a-a b-burden.” Jeno sobbed in such a heartbreaking manner Renjun can’t hold down the tears that escaped his tear ducts as well. “Renjun, she was not. Eomma would never be a burden. She’s just constantly sick ever since appa left us but she’s never a burden. I-I miss her so much.”

It’s so heartbreaking hearing Jeno wail in his arms as the night fell back into the peace it was before the fireworks display, how Jeno continued to lean on him heavily as if he’s so tired of bearing the weight of the world. Renjun bit his lips to prevent that sob that’s threatening to join Jeno’s heart piercing wails. He can only softly let out a ‘shh’ as he continued on caressing Jeno’s locks.

Such burdens, regrets, and frustrations on someone so young and pure. Renjun tightened his hold on Jeno, wishing that even for just a sliver in this massive amount of space and time, he can share the warmth of his soul that Jeno’s conveniently contributed with.

And under that beautiful night sky, two young boys found solace within each other.

Renjun should’ve known better than think that he could keep such a great secret from his friends – his friends who has been with him through thick and thin and ever since they were mere children. He truly should’ve known better. Biting his lips, he tried to evade Yangyang’s questioning gaze. How can he to say that he’s been receiving letters from his future self about Jeno’s imminent death without sounding crazy? Yeah, he can’t.

“Injunnie, are you receiving letters too?” It was Jaemin who said it and Renjun can’t help himself from whipping his head so quickly he’s suddenly afraid it might fall off. He can’t believe what Jaemin just said, does that mean that they’re receiving it too?

When Donghyuck approached him earlier, questioning him about his strange behavior and hawk-eyed observation with Jeno’s every move, he brushed them off, not really having any rational explanation to the phenomena he’s having. Then Chen Le and Jisung joined him until he saw himself under the mercy of Yangyang the Archer. He’s expecting that the reason for their interrogation was most probably because of his strange behavior.

He never expected it’s because of his strange behavior _and_ the possibility that they’re receiving letters too.

“N-nana, what do you mean ‘ _too_ ’?” He croaked out, overwhelmed with emotion as he’s reminded of the times that he feels heavy as the feeling of loneliness creeps at him, _believing_ that he’s the only one with the knowledge of Jeno’s _predetermined_ demise from the letters he’s very adamant on changing. And he doesn’t really have any way of knowing whether or not his choices are bearing fruit from in the future.

Jaemin’s face softened as he seemed to understand the surge of emotions that’s threatening to drown him. He was soon engulfed into a soft hug while Mark took the initiative to explain things to him. “We receive these strange letters from our supposed ‘future selves’ about being a good friend to Jeno and…” He trailed off and Renjun knows what he’s pertaining to.

“I understand, I receive them too, no need to tell me more.” Renjun smiled at him from the junction of Jaemin’s neck and shoulder. Mark seemed relieved to be stopped. “Why haven’t you told any of us though? You must’ve felt lonely.” Jaemin hummed from the crown of his head. Renjun sniffed and tightened his hold on his friend. He missed being like an open book to his friends.

“I didn’t know how to and I thought I could do it.” He muttered under his breath, taking in Jaemin’s vanilla and powdery scent. It really calms him down. “I just really want Jeno to continue being with us for as long as he can.” He continued, slowly easing himself out of Jaemin’s embrace slowly. Jaemin just patted his head gently before letting go.

“So how are we going to save Jeno?”

This question, Renjun honestly doesn’t have an answer to. When he first started this whole debacle, he had been quite persistent and assertive. However now, he’s not quite so certain. He still wants to save Jeno but pondering on it, who is he really to save another person when he can barely take care of himself?

So smiling and looking at his friends, he tells them something that has been nagging in the back of his mind since that time Jeno opened up to him back in the rooftop.

“You can’t save anybody but yourself; Jeno is the only one who can save himself. It’s the sad reality that our future selves cannot grasp due to the trauma which his death had induced but we have the privilege to learn with their help. Even if they knew, they couldn’t have saved him, he’s the only one who can do so.” He saw his friends’ expressions falls, obviously not expecting this from him considering his adamant nature. There’s a reason he’s part of the top students in their school.

“But Renjun-” Jaemin started, seemingly defensive and worked up, obviously not expecting these from his best friend but Renjun could only shake his head. “No Jaem, only he can overcome his problems, for by the end of the day, he’s having battles with his self. However, we can be his social support, we can be his anchor, we can help him find himself when he’s unable to, we can help him find his smile back when frowns is all he’s making. We cannot save him but we can help him save himself.” This, Renjun’s quite sure of. For by the end of the day, it is truly Jeno who will choose and whose choice will ultimately make or break their minds.

His answer seemed to have awakened Donghyuck properly and he’s looking at him so comically Renjun would have laughed if it weren’t for the gravity of their discussion. Mark looked somber though, seemingly weighing all of the sides of the coin but Renjun knows that he understands, among all, Mark would understand. He’s the smartest of them all after all.

They all went silent for a while after that, even Chen Le and Jisung seemed to be deep in their thoughts. “… What if he chooses to do it again?” It was Jaemin who broke their bubbles. And Renjun, ever hopeful Renjun can only bite his lips as he shrugged and smiled gently, looking up at his best friend whose hard expression slowly melted into something as if relenting.

“He won’t. He won’t.”

And Renjun can only hope.

Renjun could only giggle at Donghyuck’s and Yangyang’s annoyed and disappointed dispositions as their teacher left the room. They tackled about alternate universes earlier in Science and the two were disappointed to know that their actions (note: shenanigans) weren’t really bearing fruit to their future selves whose letters became sparse but more heartbreaking as the days flew by.

It’s already January, only a few weeks away from that heartbreaking Valentine’s that’s inducing anxiety to the seven of them. For some reason, Jeno seemed to be more aloof recently, and though it’s not as terrible as when he first entered the school, worry inside their friend group spiked up.

They need answers soon, and hopefully, their future selves can give them this one last guidance for them to finally overcome their biggest hurdle.

Practice for the play went on as usual, Renjun and Jeno really barely have to lift their assess because they only have to revise a few scenes and check over the props since it’s really Mark and Jaemin who’re directing. He suddenly thanked his spontaneity for signing him and Jeno up for the writing of the screenplay.

“Jeno! Let’s grab some bread at the vending machine!” Chen Le exclaimed after prying away Jisung who turned sulky after their lesson. Jeno looked surprised at being called but has no whims on joining his friend. “The same original one?” He turned to Renjun as Chen Le took his time to annoy Jisung, Renjun hummed before shaking his head. “If there’s some, I want to try the custard one.” He grinned at Jeno’s raised eyebrow.

Jeno made no comment despite his expression and just ruffled Renjun’s hair before pulling Chen Le away from poor Jisung whose cheeks got the brunt of Chen Le’s _affections_. “Wait Le, let me go with Jeno and you take Jisung with you to the basement. There are so many props there from the previous batches which we can recycle.” Jaemin stopped the two as he hurriedly took out his phone and wallet.

Chen Le was ready to oppose but one stern look from their assistant director caused him to pout and pull Jisung up his feet. Renjun blinked confusedly at the exchange because Jaemin is usually to lethargic during breaks that he never goes out to buy food. This is why he always brings his own snacks from home and Renjun and Jeno’s daily snacks is enough to satiate him. He didn’t think much of it though as the two went out.

“I think it’s good though that our actions aren’t affecting our future selves.” Mark said as soon as the four were out of their room. Renjun looked at him, waiting for him to continue. “I mean, basing on our lesson, it just means that whatever we’re doing, it’s for our own reality, not the ones that came before us.” Yangyang snorted at that, earning a well-deserve smack from Donghyuck who was roused from his sleep. “You’re overthinking this Mark.” Yangyang sniped, uncaring of the smack Donghyuck gave him again.

Mark rolled his eyes at the two and Renjun felt bad for him, he remained mum though. “No, it’s just, I’ve been thinking recently. Of how it’s possible that we already have families there and how this might fuck up with everything there. Like, what if I have lovely children and a lovely spouse and now because we’re doing things differently, they might not even exist.” Mark looks down, abashed at his thoughts but wanting to share to his friends his worries.

Upon clarification, Yangyang seemed to softened and he no longer take another swipe at Mark who’s voluntarily vulnerable in front of them. Renjun bit his lips at Mark’s words and he almost felt guilty about his thoughtless endeavors from before, like an idiot who does not care for consequences. Now that his friend had laid that worry down though, Renjun feels imminently thankful that at least, that reality will continue as it is.

This he said. “Yeah. The only difference is that, in this reality, those hasn’t happened yet and that Jeno will remain with us, ten years down the road.” Renjun smiled as he uttered such bold words with faux ease despite the uncertainty that’s lacing their true reality. None of his friends made a comment on the implications as Donghyuck slumped loudly on Yangyang’s desk again.

Renjun sincerely hopes that they can truly spend ten more years with Jeno.

Smiling, a wave of relief washed over Renjun as he threw his bag on his bed and hurriedly sat on his study table. There, thankfully, sat prettily the same magical and sparkling letter he had been wishing on for months for clarity and direction. Biting his lips, he wasted no time in opening it.

‘ _My 16-year-old self,_

_It has been so long since I last wrote to you._

_I hope you’re doing well there, I hope that things are different and would be different with you._

_I realized this too late but please don’t make him choose between you all and his grandmother; she’s all he has._

_Grandma Lee is sickly that’s why Jeno had been going home even earlier than he’s used to._

_She hadn’t been able to watch the play because Jeno can’t really take her so please help him and do._

_It will mean so much to him if his grandma watches the play he’s worked hard to right on._

_And please watch over him on Valentine’s day. Please don’t leave him alone all night._

_Please don’t let his mind eat at him again._

_Yours truly._ ’

Renjun felt his breath hitch as he scampered to his bed to grab his phone and call the first person in his speed dial.

“ _Hmm? Injunni_ e?” There’s obvious confusion in the receiver’s voice but Renjun is too overwhelmed to notice it. He might later though. “Minnie!” He exclaimed through the mic, eliciting a groan from Jaemin. “ _Tone it down, will you? Now what’s with this call? You don’t usually call when you could just run from your house to mine._ ”

Now that Jaemin reminded him, Renjun finally had the rationality to smile sheepishly as he scratched his neck. He would’ve but he’s too excited and too knackered to run the two houses’ distance in between his’ house and Jaemin’s house. Clearing his throat, he pointedly ignored the teasing and went ahead with his intended story.

“No Minnie! My future self has sent me a new letter! It said that Jeno’s grandma is sickly these days that’s why Jeno have been declining us recently and that we should invite her to watch the play!” He exclaimed, excited at the prospect of finally having a direction in which they could go instead of blindly tapping in the dark.

He heard Jaemin hum from the other line before finally answering. “ _Understandable. Anyways, I think we should get her a ride to the play then. I’ll ask Chen Le if his parents can offer her a ride since they’d like to watch it with Chen Le in the main cast._ ” Renjun squeaked as he showered Jaemin with gratitude.

“ _No, this is nothing. Anything for our friend, right?_ ” Jaemin said from the other line and Renjun feels that there’s something off with his friend’s tone which he couldn’t ignore. He doesn’t know if it’s appropriate to ask though, however, he still can’t ignore something as blatant as this especially that whatever it is that’s on Jaemin’s mind is probably affecting him so much.

“Min, you sound exhausted… and _sad_.” Renjun said tentatively after a long pause. He doesn’t know the trajectory of this conversation but he still wants to fire his shot. He heard Jaemin chuckle from the other line before answering. “ _It’s nothing Junnie-ah, I’m just tired and Mark recommended me this very very sad movie to show me his visions on the play. I’ll go now yeah? I have to read some more._ ” It doesn’t sit well with Renjun but what can he do? Jaemin doesn’t want to tell so he can only respect it.

“Alright Minnie, just… I’m your best friend alright? You can always tell me anything. _Anything._ ” Renjun just relented, wishing to at least make it known that he’s there waiting for when his friend is ready to open up. Jaemin just chuckled before ending with quite ominous last words. “ _Not everything can be uttered out loud Injunnie. Alright, I’ll keep that in mind though._ ”

Renjun doesn’t have any braincells for this.

Bouncing on his feet, anyone with two eyes can see that Renjun is so excited. For what? Nobody’s really certain because while everyone is losing their wits for last minutes preparation – aka: Mark being too anxious for his own good and Jaemin suffering the brunt of it being the Assistant Director while Yangyang and Donghyuck runs around with him and Jeno, making last minute checks on the props and the actors as well as the controls while Jisung sulks at Chen Le’s silence due to the latter having to preserve his voice for his performance later.

After all, he and Jeno created a monster play.

This is why everyone looks ticked off when Renjun inquires and checks a tad bit too brightly for such a hectic day. Renjun just shrugs and went ahead with his sunnier disposition. He saw Jaemin approach him, checking his phone with Chen Le in tow. “Mr. and Mrs. Zhong are nearly here, they came with Grandma Lee but they need some of our help to help her up here.” Jaemin read from his phone.

Renjun beamed and pointed at himself, causing Jaemin to playfully roll his eyes. “I still can’t believe you’ve abused your connection just to get Jeno’s address.” Chen Le said, finally opening his mind just to make his amusement known. Renjun shrugged smugly. “Sicheng ge loves me; I’m his favorite cousin.” He answered smugly, earning a well-deserving snort from his friend. “Oh please, you’re literally his only cousin.” Chen Le made a face before finally strutting off with a few last words. “Please also tell mama and baba to _absolutely not_ open that hideous banner of theirs.”

Renjun cackled evilly as he shouted back. “Oh they absolutely will!” Turning to Jaemin, his friend tipped his head at him for them to finally go ahead and help the Zhongs with Grandma Lee. He saw Jeno look at him from across the room as he was checking the sound system, obviously confused as to why the Assistant Director and one of the main Writers will go out minutes before the play but Renjun just beamed at him, earning a well-meaning eyeroll. This just fueled Renjun’s excitement even more as he thought about Grandma Lee watching the play his grandson had written.

He’s also planning of throwing Jeno under the bus later in the ending credits. Snickering, Renjun bumped Jaemin while walking. He should really stop daydreaming.

They descend from the stairs and soon, they were walking the short distance between their building to the parking lot where the Zhongs are waiting with Grandma Lee. “Oh, Renjunnie, Jaeminnie, you’re the ones who descended.” Mrs. Zhong smiled at them as she handed them some plastic bags while Mr. Zhong was helping Grandma Lee out of their car. “We really just needed some help with these bags, they’re just snacks for your class to enjoy after the performance.” She said, pinching both of their cheeks.

Renjun and Jaemin smiled at her, and Renjun, being the asshole that he is, beamed seeing the banner in one of the plastic bags. “Oooh, Lele _will love_ these.” Mrs. Zhong didn’t miss the evil glint in his eyes as she ruffled both of their hairs. “No, I don’t think he will but it’s not like that’ll stop you.” Mr. Zhong piqued from when he finally stood straight after helping Grandma Lee out.

“Oooh, Nana, Junnie. You’ve come to help an old woman out.” Grandma Lee beamed a familiar smile at the two of them as she thanked Mr. Zhong before going ahead and kissing Renjun’s and Jaemin’s cheeks. Renjun smiled at Grandma Lee while Jaemin took one of the plastic bags that Renjun is carrying after a soft greeting.

It was the two of them that went to Jeno’s house one school day (they cut classes and threatened Sicheng to _extort_ information and to keep mum about their cutting of classes; Sicheng just raised an eyebrow before accomplishing both) to go meet Grandma Lee. Renjun can still remember the bullshit he has to pull when instead of the normal, which is he asking Jeno to go with him.

Grandma Lee, though very frail, is such a ball of sunshine and a huge darling. Renjun and Jaemin were so pampered during their visit then as she fussed and gave them snacks, saying that she’s sulky because Jeno is so independent and is the one always taking care of her. She’s not complaining, really, she’s so thankful that her grandson has grown up to be such a responsible and caring young lad; she’s just so worried that he’s forced to grow up so fast and that he’s so closed off. She even went so far as to sincerely thank the two of them (and in extension, their other friends too) that Jeno were able to find such good friends that even wanted to surprise him.

And in this visit, the two of them learned something that filled in more of the holes that’s missing in the storyline. Grandma Lee isn’t really an oversharer, that, Renjun concluded seeing her silently assess him and Jaemin. She must have just really found the two of them dependable and Renjun couldn’t fault her really. He and Jaemin just has that act perfected very well. Cough cough. And it’s not like they’ll use it for Jeno’s demise, so really, they’re both honored and quite burdened. More of the former though.

Jeno’s mother’s suicide, that Renjun knows of, has long been plaguing the life of the mother and son. Coming from an abusive household, Jeno’s mother suffered years of abuse from his father before his late mother finally had the courage to leave when Jeno finally hit eleven. Even then, the scar and trauma caused by that which started from early on his parents’ marriage really fucked with his mother.

Ms. Lee never truly recovered.

Jeno, though such an understanding and quiet child, never really grasped everything. He tried making up for his mother but Ms. Lee’s mind cannot really decipher the truth from the demonic whispers in her mind. Jeno tried his best to show affections that he’s barely learnt but obviously, it isn’t enough. Ms. Lee finally succumbed to her distorted thoughts.

She overdosed herself with her sleeping pills before drowning in their bathtub. One can only imagine the horror Jeno must have felt having to see the blue and cold body of his mother after eating out with his new friends. How the poor boy must have blamed himself for not accompanying his mother to that therapist because of enrollment. It was not a regular hospital after all, rather, they were supposed to visit a psychologist because Ms. Lee, though only to herself, wants to be better for her son.

The amount of self-loathing Jeno must be having must be so intense, Renjun thought as he returned to the present and they were inside the elevator, having special permission for today because it’s too cruel to let Grandma Lee climb three floors.

“Jeno will be touched once he sees you watching in the audience.” Mrs. Zhong said, smiling as Grandma Lee looked down, seemingly as hesitant as Renjun and Jaemin is. However, Renjun wants to be optimistic, so taking one of Grandma Lee’s veiny hands, he smiled at her before turning to Mrs. Zhong. “I’m sure Jen will be.”

They soon had to sneakily weave their way in between the students to hide Grandma Lee from Jeno who’s busy in front of the classroom, doing final checks on the actors then with Mark due to his and Jaemin’s disappearance. They sat Grandma Lee with the Zhongs in the middle, not too forward to catch Jeno’s attention especially with the dim classroom, but quite near enough to annoy Chen Le with Mrs. Zhong’s obnoxious banner full of LED lights. Renjun can only cackle evilly with Mrs. Zhong while Mr. Zhong seemed ashamed and apologized to Grandma Lee just to ease his embarrassment. Grandma Lee just chuckled and shook her head.

“We’ll head back there then, Grandma Lee, auntie, uncle.” Jaemin smiled charmingly as Renjun smiled as well.

And soon, the play started.

As Renjun returned beside Jeno, moving away from the actors’ way, he saw Jeno look at him in question, obviously curious to his being MIA in the last-minute checks. “Just had to be somewhere with Jaemin.” He explained, wishing that it’s sufficient but also being aware that it’s quite vague. Scrunching his nose mentally, Renjun chastised himself and hopes that Jeno just lets it go. Jeno, although very much dissatisfied with the explanation, just let it go. Renjun discreetly sighed in relief.

The story is really simple, very straightforward, but quite compelling. Thank goodness for Donghyuck and Chen Le’s acting prowess, otherwise, the script would utterly fail. It’s not that their script is terrible, no, it’s just that it’s too emotion heavy that in the hands of the wrong actors, it wouldn’t have the same impact.

The sadness that Chen Le’s dialogues emanates together with Donghyuck’s eyes made everyone in the room so silent that Mrs. Zhong even forgot to raise her LED banner. As Chen Le wailed in heartbreak while Donghyuck laid in that pool of fake blood, not even the sound of the aircon could be heard.

In comes their other classmates acting as the shadows of Chen Le’s mind and as Renjun watched it, his heart stopped.

Shit, he just realized that it was Jeno who wrote this particular scene, this particularly heavy scene. And this scene is filled with Jeno’s self-loathe. Turning to his left, he saw how very absorbed Jeno was in the ongoing play it’s too eerie. Renjun didn’t think twice as he pulled Jeno’s face into his, effectively covering the latter’s ears while preventing him from even seeing the play through his periphery.

Jeno doesn’t know that he knows what he does and Renjun doesn’t want to make him feel intruded, so he did the next best thing he knows: he pulled Jeno’s face into his chest before singing the first song that comes in his mind when thinking of Jeno. He put his lips close to Jeno’s ears as he started singing lowly.

“ _The voice I long for even in my dreams_

_I call out the name but there’s no answer_

_Only the tearful echo returns_

_And I listen to that sound by myself_

_Even if it’s so cold, it feels like it’ll break_

_I won’t ever let go this time_

_The hands of that day that has gotten so far away_ ”

He feels Jeno freeze in his hold but he continued on, uncaring of the wailing in front of the stage as he holds Jeno close to him, his voice still quiet but now, surer than he was when he first started. For some reason, rather than the song being the manifestations of his own feelings and reality, it became something that his future self had longed to say to their version of Jeno there. _  
  
_“ _The child who stands in front of me without fail  
Head hanging low but never crying  
When I sadly hold out my hand, the child runs away  
So I hold onto the empty air by myself  
  
Even if it hurts so much  
I won’t forget this time  
The words that waited so long by itself_”

Renjun felt Jeno more relaxed in his hold, his breathing even from his ragged ones earlier but he continued on, wanting to drown out Jeno’s own demons he wrote down in that piece of art screaming the thoughts that’s been plaguing him for so long. Companionship is all he can offer but that, he’ll conditionally give to a friend – no, a person who needed it. _  
  
_“ _Through the night that was endlessly long and thick and dark  
I know your wish has silently disappeared  
I’ll wait for a long time, I will definitely find you  
Even if you’re so far that I can’t see you  
Let’s go, to the place at the tip of dawn_”

From seeing Jeno in his own narrative, in his own perspective, through the labels he stands as in Renjun’s life, and as he’s singing this lost song from the recess of his elder self’s heart, Renjun sees himself holding Lee Jeno. Not Jeno who’s among his closest friends, not Jeno who’s the subject of his affections.

Just Lee Jeno who’s lost, confused, heartbroken, and suffering. The Lee Jeno who’s aching for salvation. Just Lee Jeno the person. _  
  
Through the endlessly lost, cold and cruel days  
I know your name that has silently been forgotten  
I won’t stop, I’ll shout out several times  
Even if you’re so far that I can’t believe it  
Let’s go, to the place at the tip of dawn_”

Ending the drag of the last few notes, Renjun had totally forgotten the passage of time. The song was roughly five minutes and it seemed that while he was singing to distract Jeno, the play has descended on its denouement arc and Jeno’s reciprocating his hug with his hands wrapped around Renjun’s waist. He felt so pliant and if Renjun weren’t so drunk on realizations, he would have blushed profusely.

However, his heart has yet to calm down from its panic when he realized that ugly truth so he could only hold Jeno tighter.

That was until Jaemin coughed at them, his eyebrows raised and musing while his hands were crossed in front of his chest. That pulled Renjun out of his stupor as he slowly eased himself out of Jeno’s embrace and chuckled abashedly. “This is too much PDA and even in the middle of our production.” Jaemin said lowly as the play is still on-going but loud enough to embarrass Renjun.

Waving his hands in the air futilely, Renjun tried salvaging his dignity. “No, no, please don’t misunderstand… I was… _cold_ … Hehehe, yeah, that’s right.” He laughed as he evaded Jaemin’s pointed look. Jeno said nothing but Renjun’s glad that he doesn’t look as terrible as earlier. He looks exhausted, definitely, but Renjun can see that some of his sparkle returned to his eyes. And that’s more than enough.

“Enough with that, I just came here in your little bubble to tell you that you two should ready because all of us in production will soon be called.” And off Jaemin goes.

Renjun scratched his neck, too embarrassed to look at Jeno after that bold stunt of his. “Thank you, Renjun-ah.” Jeno said lowly after a few beats of silence. Renjun can only nervously chuckle as he exhausted all of his courage in that shit he pulled earlier. He refused to let his mouth run in fears that his voice might crack due to nervousness and he still has to give a little speech with Jeno later.

Thankfully, Bomin called the production team over, wanting them to be ready for the ending credits. Renjun thanked that fantastic timing, saving him from further embarrassing himself. He just silently took Jeno’s hand and pulled them in front of the curtain as Mark called them over.

“And to our fantastic playwrights! Renjun and Jeno! Without the two of them, we wouldn’t even have such a fantastic production!” A round of loud applause followed his words and Renjun suddenly felt abashed especially with how strong the spotlight actually was. He was suddenly reminded of why he absolutely dislikes performing on stage.

“Say a few words, you two.” Mark said smiled before moving aside for a while. Renjun has a surprise up his sleeves so he moved backwards, throwing Jeno slightly under the bus. Jeno seemed perplexed but didn’t have much to say as he just smiled gently before offering his speech.

Scratching his head, Jeno looks nervous. Renjun put a hand behind his back to offer his support and he saw Jeno finally find his words. “Wow, I- I’m just glad you are all here, that you watched what we wrote, what we worked hard for, and that it seemed that you enjoyed it.” He was biting his lips but Renjun can see the curving of his eyes as he went on. “I never expected nor thought that I’d be among those leading such a big thing… honestly, I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for Renjun volunteering me to be a writer. So, I guess I want to thank him for that, for nudging me gently and helping me experience enjoyment out of my comfort zone. Also, to my friends, some of who acted so amazingly in the play; Donghyuck, Chen Le, and some who helped materialize our story into reality, Mark and Jaemin, and also the ones who made sure that the lights and sounds are topnotch, Yangyang and Jisung. And most of all, to everyone’s hard work. Thank you.” He bowed as his smile finally hid his eyes once more.

“If only grandma could watch, I think she’ll enjoy this… She loves plays so much.” Jeno whispered as he finally steps back to let Renjun have his time.

“Uhm, Jeno has already said what I wanted to say so I’ll just cut to the chase and say that, Jeno, I’m really sorry, but we brought your grandma here and she’s actually sitting there beside Chen Le’s parents.” Renjun smiled sheepishly, quite unsure of how Jeno will react to another of his atrocious ideas.

Jeno, unsurprisingly, looked at him, flabbergasted, as he also turned to Mark, Jaemin, Donghyuck, and Chen Le who’s in the stage with him. He looks tongue-tied and Renjun’s quite apologetic at Jeno’s wandering eyes, now looking for his grandma. Yangyang, in charge of the lights, thankfully opened one in the audience area just quite enough for Jeno to finally spot Grandma Lee who’s smiling proudly at him, sharing that eye smile Jeno has as she wipes the tears in his eyes.

“We’re quite sorry for not telling you but Jaemin and I invited her that one time we vanished after our morning break only to return after lunch. Oops, did I just publicly announced that Jaemin and I had cut class?” Renjun bit his lips before unconsciously slapping his unfiltered mouth.

He was cut off his musings though when Jeno lunged at him, hugging him in front of their classmates and guests. This caused Renjun to blush profusely again, conscious of the eyes on them but he softened as he heard Jeno’s words and felt the shaking from his friend. “Thank you. Really thank you, Renjun-ah.” He pulled away and Renjun saw the unshed tears in his eyes.

He turned to Mark and hugged him as well, same as Donghyuck, Chen Le, and even Jaemin who was rolling his eyes but Renjun can see him smiling fondly when Jeno pulled away to go to Grandma Lee.

Renjun surely doesn’t know much but seeing Jeno cry while smiling so widely while he and his classmates fondly look on, he can feel hope for the future bloom inside him as he mentally plans on how to barricade Jeno in the 14th of February.

They’ve lost him once but he’s not letting Fate do that again.

Everything is utterly confusing. The buildings seem to be identical with each other and frustration is exponentially bubbling up inside him. They’ve agreed to meet up after class, even fetching Grandma Lee and leaving him with Sicheng in Renjun’s house so that they could hang out with Jeno all day. However, fate seems to be toying with them.

They agreed to meet up at five in the afternoon, just giving everybody enough time to buy each other presents (Donghyuck and Yangyang and Chen Le and Jisung for each other, while them four just buy each other chocolates since they have no one to share Valentine’s with) but it has been three hours already and Jeno has still yet to show up. Renjun doesn’t dare to tell it to Grandma Lee, fearing the distress that it will cause the poor woman. She’s already lost her daughter.

Renjun couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t even see properly as his eyes are clogged with tears that’s continuously pouring down from his eyes. He ignored the aching of his legs in favor of scouring as much distance and areas as he can. Anywhere he could think of, he went, bridges, parks, anywhere that’s within the city.

Mark and Jaemin are with him, running not to far behind as adrenaline seemed to hit Renjun the hardest as time passes by and as the sky turned darker and deeper. He’s so desperate, he’s so tired, and all the months of anxiously trying to undo this moment is finally gobbling him whole. He sobs as he ran.

It’s just so ironic that while the seven of them are out of their wits, scouring the city and trying to find their friend, the streets seem so lively. The sky even looks clear, as if mocking the fogs that’s clogging their hearts and minds.

“Injun-ah, slow down!” He heard Jaemin faintly yelled in the background but he couldn’t be sure. How could he hear properly when the voices in his head is louder than ever?

He was soon harshly pulled out of his reverie as he was yanked and was forcefully pulled into an embrace. He smelt vanilla. It’s Jaemin. “Yangyang just called and they saw Jeno playing by the swings back at school. So calm down and let’s go there, alright?”

Renjun soundlessly nodded as the world warped around him, his mind full of distorted voices, imagery, and haze.

They must have taken a cab, for the next moment, which Renjun felt was just a blink of an eye, he was getting supported by Mark as they entered the empty school.

The playground was near the entrance and thus, Renjun quickly saw his friends standing around someone, someone he has been so mad searching the city for. His vision isn’t the clearest, having one of the worst eye sights in their friend group, but that instant, as soon as the playground was within his vision, he can clearly see the boy he has been crying over for the past three hours or so.

His wobbly and unstable body seemed to have been ticked off as he pried himself from Mark’s support to go ahead and bolt towards Jeno who’s still looking intently at the sand beneath his legs while Jisung was sniffing in front of him. Yangyang was the one who saw him, seeing as he’s sitting on the swings next to Jeno and Renjun saw the way his eyes widen when Renjun uncaringly jumped at Jeno, causing the latter to fall off the swings and landed on the sand. He’s exploding with emotions but he’s not stupid enough not to protect Jeno’s head and back as they fell.

“… Renjun-ah…” He heard Jeno breathe in his ears and the sobs that had been repressed earlier finally burst. Sobbing, Renjun held Jeno tightly, burying his face in the crook of Jeno’s shoulders, taking in that scent of his which is a weird concoction of dandelions, disinfectant, and bleach. Renjun finds comfort in it nonetheless. “I thought we lost you, god, I was going crazy Jeno-yah.” Renjun said in between sobs.

He felt Jeno stilled in his touch before wrapping his arms around Renjun, finally gathering his wits to reciprocate the hug. “You know?” He asked and though Renjun wants to just spill everything then and there, he don’t even have the strength to pull himself up so he just muttered anybody’s name to help them up and explain.

He didn’t even realize that it was Jaemin he asked to explain. Jaemin didn’t hesitate to pull the two of them up, with the help of their friends and firing into a synthesized narrative of the letters, their future selves, parallel universes, and knowing about his plans of taking his own life. Renjun had unconsciously muted it all in the background as his attention was focused on Jeno and Jeno alone, fearing that should he so much as blink, the latter might dissipate into thin air.

He doesn’t know if he could endure the heartbreak that his future self had endured. He doesn’t know if he’s that strong.

“I was planning to, to just jump on that bridge and let the water and jagged rocks take me. I was ready, _I wanted to join eomma._ ” He breathed out and just like that, Renjun’s sanity returned. Seeing Jeno so vulnerable, hurt, and confused, all of the emotions that was exploding inside Renjun just seemed to have fizzled into nothing but sizzles.

Afterall, they’re all just hurt and confused teenagers, each intense in their own right, and some lonelier than the others. But that’s just them living, and Renjun cannot help the exhaustion brought upon by this clarity. He refused to let his mind control him anymore and as Jeno crumbles with his confession to them, Renjun wanted to be his pillar, holding his hand firmly while letting the tears fall down his eyes.

“I saw her phone while cleaning the house after grandma left, I saw her unsent message.” Jeno croaked out, unabashedly choking on his own tears because he knows that these friends of his will never judge him for doing something as normal and valid as showing his heartbreak. “She doesn’t want to die just yet, she wanted to ask for help but I wasn’t able to answer.” Nobody dared to open their mouths at that for they could only grasp just how world-shattering it must have felt when Jeno saw that.

Renjun could only squeeze Jeno’s hand, not really sure of what message he wants to come across. Maybe it’s just him wanting to tell Jeno that he’s not alone, that he’s there – they’re there with him and that he doesn’t have to be alone in facing the evils in his mind. This seemed to reassure Jeno as he continued with a stronger and clearer voice.

“I was so ready, so so ready to just jump and end it all but I saw the moon and I remember you all.” Jeno wiped his face with his hands, lifting his head and looking at his friends’ whose eyes are all the same shade of red with varying level of teardrops shining there. Renjun bit his lips as fondness warmed his chest.

Jeno squeezed Renjun’s hand briefly before continuing. “I remembered the nights we would hang out in _our_ hideout. How Hyuckie and Lele would ruin their voices as they sang through the night various girl group songs, how Jisungie scrunches his face as he tries all snacks without finishing any and how Yangyang would angrily yell at him with an additional smack on the head for wasting half the supplies, how Mark and Jaemin would pointedly ignore all of us in favor of finishing their assignments and how Jun-ah would splay his body on my legs after just five equations with Mark and Jaemin.” With this, Jisung is full on sobbing and choking on his tears as Chen Le tried to shush him even when he’s wiping his own tears. Even usually calm Jaemin was crying with Mark who’s silently wiping his own tears with his head down.

“And I figured that I don’t want to go without telling you that I like you.” Jeno turned to Renjun, sincerity and affection bleeding through his eyes as he smiled softly.

Renjun expected himself to short-circuit as he usually does, however, for once, his body and mind seemed to know just what it wants and he’s hugging Jeno tightly. Uncaring if he’ll be confessing his feelings in front of his friends, he just wants to relay just how much he likes Jeno as well. Jeno plucked up his courage to both live and confess, Renjun wants to do that as well.

“I like you too Jeno. I really like you as well. I’m so glad and so so proud of you for staying. Your mother would be as well. She’d be really proud that the son that she loves so much is so courageous for wanting to stay here with us and his grandma.” Renjun whispered in his ears, wanting to relay just how relieved he is and just how much he likes the other.

And Renjun feels, under that beautiful moon and surrounded by their friends, that Jeno feels loved and appreciated in that moment. And that they’ll all help Jeno find more things to live for.

That’s more than enough.

“You know Mark? I never told anyone about the extent of my letters.” Jaemin said, his face blank as the two of them sat side by side, basking in the setting sun. Mark looked at him but did nothing more. For truly, it is not beyond Jaemin to hide things, hide his _feelings,_ if it’s for the good of his friends. So he spoke none and continued on looking at the sea.

He felt Jaemin took another gulp of the soda they bought from the convenience store five hundred meters before arriving at the beach. “Junnie- Junnie and I were married Mark.” This was the one that made Mark lose his composure as he turned fully to Jaemin who’s still leaning back carelessly on the sand, uncaring of the sand that’s sticking on his shirt.

Mark felt his heart drop as the words sink in and he’s reminded of Renjun’s and Jeno’s happy faces when they embraced each other in that one night after Jeno finally confessed to which Renjun accepted. Na Jaemin and his selflessness. Feeling the anger inside him bubble, he took a deep breath before pulling Jaemin up and engulfing him into a tight embrace. That’s when Jaemin’s façade finally broke.

Mark felt him shake as his shirt slowly dampened where Jaemin burrowed his face. Jaemin clutched on his shirt, shaking as he continued. “We had three kids Mark, did you know that? Minjun, Minjae, and Minha. My older self had told me that they were such bright kids. That they were adopted three years after _we_ were married.” Jaemin continued, his voice progressively breaking as sobs became more frequent in between his words.

“I-I love him for the longest time Mark. I love Renjun.” Mark sighed as he lifted his hand and proceeded to caress Jaemin’s head awkwardly. “But Jeno’s my friend as well and they’re so in love Mark. I-I can’t take that away from them. I can’t do that to Jeno after knowing everything that had happened to our future selves.” Jaemin choked out, going limp in Mark’s hold after letting out all of the dilemma that has plagued him for months.

Jaemin seemed to exhausted, so empty and Mark bit his lips, thinking if this is the appropriate time for the inappropriate thoughts that are tempting him right now. He bit his lips.

“I have always been here but he never looked my way, maybe I truly am unattractive.” Jaemin murmured against his chest and Mark can feel that the emotional turmoil is truly too taxing plus the outburst Jaemin just had.

Sighing, Mark pulled away just a bit from Jaemin who just looked at him blearily. Looking at his friend’s swollen face, Mark smiled softly as he gently wiped Jaemin’s face. “You’re just looking the other way.”

And he was taken back to his own letter which he hid a section of from his own friends just like Jaemin did.

‘ _And maybe that time around, when you do save Jeno, maybe you can grab yourself a chance._

 _A chance to say ‘I love you’ to Jaemin who’s looking the other way._ ’

He can feel his friend tensing in his hold as his words must have finally registered to him but Mark just pulled him into his chest again, uncaring of the consequences. He’s prepared for Jaemin to push him away, or probably just gently pry himself away from Mark’s touch and that’s fine. That’s the Jaemin that they know.

However, that didn’t happen and instead, Jaemin just tightly held onto him. What it entails, Mark isn’t sure but he’s certain that he won’t be letting go of Jaemin for quite a while.

“Love, don’t you think that you’re being too fussy? Everyone literally won’t care even if you don’t perfect that icing.” Jeno called from where he’s sitting on the dining table, looking at Renjun’s overly busy disposition as he tried his best to make every single cupcake as perfect as his perfectionist self wants to. However, that’s just impossible and soon, Renjun’s groaning again seeing a little crookedness on his crafts.

Standing up from his chair, Jeno finally decided that he has to stop his husband. So he snaked his harms around Renjun and held his busy hands down. “Jen! Just one more! I just have to perfect this one!” Renjun whined, trying to wiggle out of Jeno’s strong hands even if he knows that it’ll be futile. Jeno refused to relent and just manhandled Renjun into their sofa. He knows his husband too well to understand that that promise of ‘ _one more_ ’ actually means that he’ll continue doing more until he’s satisfied which translates to: never.

Renjun sulkily jutted his lips out, his arms crossed as Jeno sat beside him, looking as amused as he’ll ever be. “Oh please Jun, Donghyuck and Yangyang will just gobble them up thoughtlessly, Chen Le and Jisung would be too busy arguing to notice, and Mark and Jaemin simply doesn’t care.” He gently told Renjun who just sighed, a sign that he has finally relented. “I know, I know, I’m just extra worried because we haven’t met in over a year. Everybody has been so busy.”

And Jeno can understand Renjun’s worry. However, they’re their friends, the family they have outside their blood kin, and to be honest, they’re the last people that would be nitpicky about something that their friends have put so much effort on. Heck, even if Renjun just cooked instant ramen, those dorks would just gobble it up after giving thanks.

“They’re family, they would appreciate everything.” Jeno smiled fondly as he took Renjun in his arms, to which the latter happily complied. “Just being together is more than enough.” He saw Renjun smiled at that as he looked up at him and giving him a peck on the lips.

“Jen, have I told you how proud I am of you?” Renjun blurted totally deviating from their topic. Jeno cannot figure if it’s on purpose but he doesn’t mind talking about the intangible anyway. Smiling, he ruffled his husband’s hair. “You never forget to tell me that at least thrice a day, by this time, you should ask me if I am tired of hearing it.”

To be honest though, Jeno will never get tired of hearing Renjun saying such simple things that meant the world to him and this, Renjun knows as he just smiles and takes one of Jeno’s hands to place a gentle kiss on his knuckles before playing with it. He has come a long way, he and Renjun. He has so much to live for now and he’s genuinely happy that no hurdle can take it away from him. He’s still growing, improving, progressing, but he knows that when the time comes, he’ll choose a life with Renjun and their future family.

After all, he must keep his promise to Jaemin to take care of Renjun. He doesn’t really want his friend to have a reason to come in and snatch the love of his life from him.

**Author's Note:**

> Holy moly, this is the longest fic I've ever written (key word: crammed 🤧) and good gracious, this is so long. 😭
> 
> I literally crammed more than 17k of the words in less than three weeks because I suck at time management and I don't really want to drop this because I've poured my soul into it and I liked the idea. 😭 I'm so sorry for the plotholes as well but I didn't really followed the source material's _material_. I left the origin of the letters a mystery because I don't know, it just felt right to me at the moment to make things magical, just like how I viewed their friendship for it is truly magical to have such good friends even as mundane as it might be.
> 
> Although the true reason is that I haven't read past the 'Plot' section of the manga's wikipedia page until I was already 10k in so I just went ahead with my gut feeling. 🤧 I tried my best in sealing as much plotholes as I can though (except for the source of the letters, I just don't have the braincells anymore, I'm so sorry 😭).
> 
> I'm also sorry to the original prompter, I literally didn't incorporate your suggestions. 😭 I'm sorry if this wasn't up to your expectations. ಥ_ಥ
> 
> Also, I don't really feel comfortable with some of the manga's aspects. Like some of the fighting and confrontations, and though what's originally written is how actual teenagers would act even though it's toxic, I don't really want that. I want to write something that's raising awareness of some sort, not glorifying tragedy, trauma, and depression (heavily implied) nor is it demonizing those who chose it. I tried my very best to do that even with my limited braincells, so if I did something that's terribly offensive or misleading, please go shout at me in the comments section because I would hate to do that.
> 
> Also, as unrealistic Renjun's character is (ಥ_ಥ realized this quite belatedly ಥ_ಥ), when I was writing him, I wanted to deconstruct the idea of "saving" Jeno because ultimately, as I have written, it's upon the individual. However, what we can do, just like their little gang did, is help our loved ones to gain that strength so that they have the strength to choose going on even if it could be hard. I also liked deconstructing his own little bubble, whenever he realizes his own cognitive biases, so yeah, I'm so sorry if I pulled a Taika Watiti on you ಥ_ಥ, I just couldn't help it. ಥ_ಥ 
> 
> I'll wait until the author reveals then, so that you could properly scream at me with a name. ಥ_ಥ 'Till then. ಥ_ಥ Please don't hesitate to comment your thoughts. 🥺💕
> 
> Thank you for Admin Bom as well! ( •̀ ω •́ )y Thank you for all your hard work and for the extension! (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ) We wouldn't have done this without you! (❁´◡`❁)
> 
> Also P.S.: The song that Renjun sang for Jeno during the play when the latter had something of sort similar to a panic attack is IU's '[Dear Name](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JSOBF_WhqEM)' which also inspired the fic title. Don't judge me alright, my braincells are so fried when I submitted this. 😭


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